Changemakers Confidential: Mari
Real stories. Real people. Real change.
I had the pleasure of meeting Mari about a year ago as a part of a spiritually-focused book club I was a part of (we called ourselves the Sedona Sisters!). Our first meet-up was at her house, and I immediately felt a kinship with her. Her calm, kind, and curious manner resonated with me, and inspired me to delve more deeply into my own spirituality. She’s a practicing Buddhist, world traveler, slow living advocate, and hostess extraordinaire (we had a mid-winter picnic on the ice last year that was so thoughtful and fun!); I’m honored to share her thoughts/stories on change with all of you today.
How/where has change shown up for you in your life? The concept of change has always been important to me as a person. My life has been constant change, and I not only find ways to adapt to change, I really thrive on it, am stimulated by it. I see a lot of possibility in change, and that’s really important for me, as a foundation to my life. I remember as a kid, I would rearrange my room every week to see how I liked seeing my things in different places, in different arrangements. Once when my husband came home from a business trip, he thought he was in the neighbor’s house because of how much I’d changed things around in our house while he’d been away!
When I thought about what I wanted to share with you on this topic of change, I thought about how my husband and I have gotten to the way we live our life, and our decision to move back home to MN. I thought it would help to better understand who we are, what the journey has been for us, and how we got to where we are today. That sounds great! Let’s go with that!
In 2002, we were basically living out of our car, as our son was playing competitive hockey. Lots of going back and forth, meals eaten in the car, and overall hectic pace of life. During that time, we got an opportunity to move to Nebraska, and saw it as an opportunity to come off of the hustle of what we’ve been living. In that transition, we made a conscious decisions to slow down the pace of our life - we embraced slow living before that was even a thing! How was that transition for your family? There really was no transition for us, because all of a sudden we got 2-4 hours back into our lives! All of a sudden, our entire life was within a five-mile radius from our house, and we really embraced it. Because I was spending less time in the car, I had time to practice yoga again - in a studio! - and take classes and workshops that I found interesting, on topics like gratitude and forgiveness. The change of moving to Nebraska helped my family and I reconnect to what was important for us, and got us grounded in who we were and how we wanted to be. That foundation we built would serve us well in the years - and changes - to come.
Eventually, the time came to move away from Nebraska, and head out east to New Jersey for another job opportunity. We honestly thought we’d be there two years, but ended up staying longer. We started doing research at the time (2010) around buying a resort on a lake, so we could create a gathering place, with a farm-to-table approach to community and connection. We called it “Project Clover.” My husband was traveling internationally for his work at the time, and the idea of creating a haven for him when he was home, as well as for my family and our community was very appealing and also, as I saw it, necessary to maintain our “slow life.” In my research, I found the author/chef Dan Barber, and his concept of the Third Plate really resonated with me.
I remember I was talking about all of these plans to a friend, when it dawned on me that we were already “doing” Project Clover in New Jersey. We were supporting local growers/farmers and businesses, we were cooking/baking from scratch, we were already hosting family and friends to our place. We took regular morning walks with our tea, strolled around the lake, sometimes doing early morning yoga…so much of how we lived our lives was what we’d envisioned for ourselves years ago, when we started the slow living journey back in Nebraska. When you had that moment of realization that your dreams and plans had, in reality, become the life, how did it feel? It was a big a-ha moment for me. I realized that we didn’t need to look for another place because we were already doing it. We were already building a sanctuary, a gathering place for ourselves and our community. Those years that we were in New Jersey, Bill (her husband) was traveling constantly for work. Knowing that would be our reality for a while, I really wanted our home to be a haven for us, a place that could be restful and rejuvenating, a place to reconnect.
When COVID happened, Bill realized that it was time for a change. In July of 2020, he came into my office one day (I’d been working from home for years at that point), stuck his head in, and asked me, “Would you like to go for a walk-tail (a stroll with a covered beverage in hand)?” I said, “Sure,” and as we were walking, out of the blue, he said, “I quit my job today.” To which I replied, “Congratulations.” We’d always talked about when he was ready, he could leave. We didn’t need to talk about it, he’d have my full support, because you can only sustain at that level for so long before you need to go inward for some introspection to see if it all still makes sense and if you want to keep operating at that pace. His time to make a change had come, and I was happy for him.
Talk to me about the introspective nature of change; how have these changes you’ve shared with us created space for reflection, learning, and growth? I think that change for us, in general, has been a pretty organic process. It wasn’t a specific direction or path we took; it was all quite beautiful and natural because Bill and I were always having discussions about our life, what we wanted it to be, what we needed to do to get there. The right kinds of conversations are so important in creating a present that is settled…and that looks and feels good.
How did you and Bill decide to move back to Minnesota? Well, the reason we moved back to MN (in 2020), was in part because I saw Bill texting his friends back here all the time, always wanting to figure out ways to connect and be together, so much so, that I finally asked him at one point, why are we living in DC? He’d always wanted to live on a lake, which came to fruition when we found our house here. It’s been a good move for us, and although we didn’t know it at the time, all of the work we’d done in Nebraska and New Jersey around creating a “slow” life would really support us well in the transition to Minnesota, and some of the change and challenges that would await us there.
Have you encountered any challenges in preserving your slow lifestyle, in returning to Minnesota? One significant challenge for us was my dad’s health. He’d been in a declining state for a good part of the pandemic, and in discussing options and ways around how we could best support him, I realized that I wanted to step in more and give my brother a break, as he’d been on call with my dad for while, responding to his health concerns and needs. Bill and I were happy to have my dad stay with us for a bit, and that bit has turned into a permanent situation, as my dad now lives with us, and I have become his primary caretaker. I don’t regret that decision one bit, as I know it’s the right thing. And: it’s been harder to find the balance like we had in New Jersey, the slow living lifestyle that we created for ourselves in Nebraska. My whole life, for years, had been slow, both by choice and by circumstance, and I saw almost immediately how, in my new reality and role as caretaker, my relationship with time became compressed, reminiscent of our hectic pace from before. In time, my own health became compromised because I wasn’t living in a way that was sustainable for me, and thankfully today, I’m getting back to health by bringing healing modalities like acupuncture, chiropractic, and energy work into my life. There is an ebb and flow to things in life, that’s for sure, and we have to find ways to adapt accordingly.
Another big change arrived for me recently: in early November, I left my corporate job and the corporate world for good. Since 2006, my primary role had been to stand up/launch new businesses, with the latest being a customer success department I stood up six years ago. When changes and restructuring started to happen in my company, I received a package and left for good. What was your first reaction to that? My first reaction was a big exhale, and then a thought of, it’s finally over. I don’t have to constantly hustle anymore. I can find time to settle into my life again, and have more of the bandwidth needed to coordinate the logistics and moving parts of caring for my dad. My last day is Dec. 20th, and I’m really looking forward to what lies ahead for me.
Is there anything you’ve already got lined up or in mind for yourself in the wake of this change? I’ve signed up to become a yoga teacher! I’d always wanted to be 70 and teaching yoga to “the ladies”…it’s seriously been a dream of mine! It’s always interesting to me how the Universe has such interesting timing: the very next day after deciding not to explore another opportunity at my company, I got an email about the yoga program that I eventually signed up for. It’s a yoga studio based out of Plymouth, MN (Honest Yoga) that focused on trauma, and I’m incredibly excited for this next chapter of my life.
You know…I suppose I could’ve chosen to look at leaving my corporate job like, oh, well, I was RIF’ed, and viewed it more as something happening to me, but I don’t see it that way at all. I see this change as a gift, because honestly, I didn’t know how to leave. Didn’t feel like I could, on some level. I was raised in the 70s, at the height of the ERA discussion/debate, and the message then was, as a woman, you work, you pay your way, you don’t rely on anyone for help. When I hear young friends/women around me today talk about how they’ve stepped away from their jobs to stay home and raise their kids, I reflect on how I would never have given myself the freedom to do that. I told myself back then that I had a good salary, good benefits, good career, and good opportunities; why would I leave that? No one knew that I’d been struggling for years to figure out how to leave the corporate world. And my company, unintentionally, made it easy for me to take that step. For that, I am grateful.
One more question about your move back to Minnesota: what has the journey been like for you in building your community here? We’ve had great friends in all of the places we’ve been, and yet in coming back here, community has come to mean something unique, something I haven’t experienced anywhere else. Definitely not what I was expecting, which has made it all the more special. For someone who’s an introvert, I’ve always loved to coordinate get-togethers and bring people together. Even so, I’m definitely a 1-1, not a 1-to-many kind of person!
One of the things on Bill’s mind in moving back to MN was his desire for me to have good friendships, knowing that had been a huge part of the move for him, to be closer to his circle of friends. So, on a complete whim, I reached out to my now-friend, Karina, (read her update here). We’d been in each other’s circles before, but had never actually talked to each other. We went out for lunch and ended up having a three-hour conversation! As I continued to meet people, I found the women to be so open and inviting. I feel like through these relationships I’ve learned about what family and community is and can be; when someone needs something, we’re there, ready to help out and support each other. I’d never had that in that way before. What does that feel like, to have such ready help and support available? It felt comfortable, very natural…right now, everyone is rallying around us and my dad, checking in, offering to take him out and about…it’s been so helpful as we’ve settled into this new phase of life and role for ourselves. This past summer, we were having a big summer camp-like get-together at our place, and my son wanted his girlfriend to come and meet everyone. This was the first time he’d brought her over to meet folks outside of Bill and I, and I was like, are you sure? We can have a smaller, more intimate get-together, if you want, and he was firm about wanting her to meet his family…which meant all of our family and friends, everyone together. Family truly can be anything you want it to be.
What have you learned about yourself in change? I’m super methodical. Very intentional in what I do. Thich Nhat Hanh was one of my greatest teachers, and his philosophy, his approach, to our human existence, has been at the center of my world for decades. I value the power and simplicity in “the Walk,” and take walks throughout the day. It’s a part of my foundation, and really puts things into perspective for me. Aside from how calming those walks are for me, being outside reminds me how we are all interconnected. One of my biggest learnings from him is around how it doesn’t matter where you are, it matters how you show up.
I also learned a lot about myself and how I respond to change in 1997, when we had a house fire. We lost everything. The only thing remaining after the fire was a box of mementos from our son’s first year. So, it’s interesting how all of those things you spend hours picking out and furnishing your home with can be gone in an instant. Stuff doesn’t matter to us in the same way today because of how we lost everything in the fire. We’ve realized that as long as we’re together, we’re good. My husband and I are so in it together, in all things…I’ve been realizing how unique that is, and how special it really is, to have that in a life partner. I am grateful for him and for how we’ve approached and built the life we have together.
How did that experience impact how you respond to change? When change is presented to you, I think the question to ask ourselves is, how are you going to adapt, and thrive as a result of this change? It’s easy to become paralyzed - and I’ve definitely had my moments - but you have to find ways to grow, make decisions, keep progressing. To ask yourself, how much will this be a part of your life moving forward? How big are you going to let “house fire” be? Today, almost nothing rattles me, because I’ve lost everything and know what is important: my family, my health, my community.
One last thought on a project I’m considering: right now, I’m thinking about, how do I give voice to the caregiver experience and take note of the changes that are happening with my dad as he ages, and his health continues to decline? I’m thinking about starting my own Substack to capture this experience, so I’ll keep you updated on what happens there. We’ll be some of your first subscribers, Mari! Keep us posted!
Deep love and gratitude to Mari for sharing her change story with all of us, and on a personal level, thank you for showing me a deeply resonant example of how to be in the world, and ways to “walk as if you are kissing the Earth with your feet (Thich Nhat Hahn).” I value you and your friendship…looking forward to baking bread with you soon!
Thanks, everyone, for your support in making these change stories a reality and a delight to write - I appreciate all of you! Please check out the great resources below, based on today’s update, and feel free to leave a comment or resource of your own…let’s keep building this change community together!
Your change maven extraordinaire,
Kristina
RESOURCES
Eat:
Blue Hill Farm, locations in NYC & Tarrytown, NY
Read:
Book: The Third Plate: Field Notes on the Future of Food, Dan Barber
Book: Your Soul’s Plan: Discovering the Real Meaning of the Life You Planned Before You Were Born, Robert Schwartz
Web: Mari’s website - www.maripartyka.com; I’ve included a couple of links below to specific articles that relate to what we shared in Mari’s update for your reading pleasure.
http://www.maripartyka.com/p/st.html
http://www.maripartyka.com/2022/04/creating-quiet-home.html
Explore:
Honest Yoga Studio in Plymouth, MN: https://www.thehonestyoga.com/
Follow:
@chefdanbarber
@mpartyka