Changemakers Confidential: Susie
Real stories. Real people. Real change.
Welcome to Changemakers Confidential, where we share real stories from real people on real change.
This week’s update inspired an opening quote, that I share with you all here:
In a world where you can be anything, be yourself. ~Albert Einstein
Susie and I have known each other since college, just a hair over two decades at this point. A positive about the pandemic is that she and I have reconnected through our group of college friends (shout-out, Apartment 2!) via a very dynamic text thread that is alternately hilarious, irreverent, random, raw, TMI, heartfelt, caring, gives tips on how not to kill your plants…it’s got everything, folks, and I have appreciated the reminder of how old friends can be some of the very best friends. Let this serve as your reminder to reach out to someone you haven’t connected with in a while and meet up for a cup of coffee or something stronger, depending on where your whimsy falls for that particular day.
Susie and I met at Concordia College in Moorhead, MN. She was then, and continues to be, one of my very favorite people. Her extra-dry, extra-dirty vodka martini sense of humor, wicked wit, and ability to listen deeply have long endeared her to me. I am grateful to have her perspective back in my life, and am sure you’ll feel the same.
We covered many topics in our change conversation, as you tend to do with an old friend. There’s so much to cover, and so many tangents to follow! For this update, I’ll focus on her experiences of teaching in a global pandemic, and the exquisite timing of finding a character where, for the first time in her life, Susie found voice and visual representation on her lived experience as a lesbian. Let’s dive into Susie’s story.
Topic 1: Teaching in a Pandemic
Truthfully, this topic of teaching in a pandemic is insanely ginormous in scope, reach, and impact…I almost don’t know where to begin, so let’s start with this simple question (insert sarcastic chuckle): what have you learned about yourself, as a teacher, navigating this pandemic space?
I’ve had many moments over the past two years where I’ve wondered if I should stay in teaching or if I should go. It’s been beyond challenging to teach in a pandemic, certainly nothing that any of us could have foreseen, let alone be prepared for. Distance learning was a nightmare. We never knew what we were going to get, as we’d often be told one thing in the AM, and something else in the PM. There were so many conflicting messages on any given day, it was hard to know which way was up.
I remember how we heard that we were all going to go home and teach on Zoom, and we were like, wait, what? What the hell is Zoom? We were totally thrown into it, with no training or preparation at all. We had to reinvent our curriculum overnight from in-person to virtual delivery. My colleagues and I divided up the textbook (Susie is a middle school French teacher), made our Powerpoints, and shared them with each other on Google drive. In time, we saw that no matter if the kids actually showed up or not - which we had no control over - we were still held accountable. It was a total free-for-all, and we still are feeling the effects of that today. It totally sucked.
What was the toll that you think it took on you, to be in an environment like that? Well, I thought on a regular basis, how in the hell do I meet all of this madness around me? No matter what you did, or how hard you tried, you knew you couldn’t do much of anything. The impossible was expected - to deliver high-quality, engaging, and intellectually-stimulating virtual content - with very little support or idea on how to actually do that, which is teacher life, in general, in my opinion. Of course, we want the kids to learn, to succeed - that’s why we got into this profession in the first place.
I knew for a fact, though, that no one was learning shit, and there wasn’t anything I could do but keep showing up, keep doing what I could. I had to let it all go as best as I could, knowing that I’d have to figure out how to pick up the pieces later, at some point. In terms of virtual delivery, I was totally in favor of Zoom for health and safety for everyone, but in time, I saw how it sucked my students’ will to learn, their desire to even “be” at school. It was hard to see that happen.
As a teacher, I feel sometimes like I’m supposed to inspire everything in and for my students. Like I need to inspire my students to bring their pencil to class, to study for a test, to even want to show up and learn, and build a trusting and close relationship on top of it, when the truth is that the educational system we all exist within is the problem. Our choice is to either hold onto it as it is, or to let it all crumble and build anew.
As I see it, the opportunity in change like this is to ask ourselves, why do we do it this way? Do we need to keep doing it this way? If so, what needs to stay? If not, what needs to change and what are some ways that we can change it? It’s an opportunity to co-create something, rather than keep putting bandaids on something that just isn’t healing up like it needs to.
I think education missed a huge opportunity in COVID. When we all came back from distance learning, it was clear, in short order, that we were back to the same shit. We had a golden opportunity to revamp school systems, curriculum, to redefine how we wanted to show up for each other as colleagues and as teachers for our students, and we gave it a lot of lip service. And now…it’s gone. There was a definite moment and it was exciting as hell, to think about what could be. What it showed us, though, was how deeply embedded long-held mindsets can be: that we have to do education this way, even if it’s not working. It’s like we all wanted so desperately for life to go back to normal that we never gave ourselves that moment to stop and ask ourselves, is that “normal” one we even want to go back to?
Topic 2: Gentleman Jack
I stumbled across this show about a year ago. At the time, I was in a bad place mentally and physically with my pelvic floor stuff flaring up again, and the constant pressure/stress of teaching in a pandemic (see above). I was doing my best to come to terms with the fact that I’d have this chronic health thing for the rest of my life, and it really weighed on me, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
The first thing that came to mind when I came across Gentleman Jack was hmm…that looks really gay. So I clicked on it, watched the first episode, and was totally hooked. Ann Lister (the main character) is often considered the first modern-day lesbian (even though she lived back in the 1800s). She left a diary of twenty-something volumes about her life; she wrote in her diary every single day, and some days in code because in addition to daily, banal stuff, she wrote about all of her lovers. If she was seeing someone, she’d write about the types of orgasms that were being had. If she masturbated, she wrote about it. Ann was a part of the landed gentry, so she was also a woman of means. She was masculine presenting and dressed as masculine as she could back in the 1800s, even though skirts/petticoats were still part of the ensemble.
Over the course of the first season, Ann meets Anne Walker, and they embark on their courtship. The show details their ups and downs in a lesbian relationship in Halifax, England in the 1800s. So…I’m watching the first episode, Ann Lister hits the screen, and I immediately feel a strong affinity with this character. Like 100%. I’ve never, ever, ever identified with a female character before; I’d always identified with a guy. Once, a therapist I was seeing asked me: have you ever thought that maybe you’re a man? And that’s why you have all of these pelvic floor issues? I found that interesting. I was also kindof impressed that she put that out there, the idea that all of my discomfort with my biological gender tacking back to that. That all of the self-hate I’ve had, my whole life…maybe, at the end of the day, I’m just a really masculine lady. And today, that’s just fine with me. Gentleman Jack gave me context for that self-acceptance.
What was it about the character that you identified so strongly with? It was in how she presented to the world. It was her appearance, how she dressed, how she acted, how she gestured, talked with her hands. She’s this masculine lesbian, and she’s just going about her day, doing her thing. Another thing that struck me is she wasn’t an angry lesbian, which is a strong stereotype out there. She’s not leading with anger, and I found that to be a nice change in pace. She was kind, loyal to her friends, tried to do the right thing. At the end of the day, she was a regular person, who also happened to be a lesbian back in the 1800s.
The title of the show is significant, so I want to be sure to mention that, too. Gentleman Jack was a name the people in Halifax called Miss Lister behind her back, “Gentleman” because she was a MOC woman (meaning, masculine of center, referring to lesbians, queer women, and non-binary trans people who tend toward the masculine in their gender expression); “Jack” was the term for “dyke” back in the 1800s. It’s unclear from Ann Lister’s writings if she actually knew that people were calling her this, but Sally Wainwright (who wrote the show) felt it was important to reclaim this.
Have you seen anything shift within yourself, as a result of watching that show? Until I watched that show, I hadn’t realized how much I hated myself until I stopped… hating myself. At the end of the show, it was like this cloud had lifted and I realized for the first time in my life that I was worthwhile. Damn, Susie…that’s huge. When that realization dawned on you, how did it shift how you viewed yourself, your life? I had always toned my masculinity down, seen it as something unacceptable, something to hide; now I don’t. I definitely have more swagger, I take up more space when I sit. I get called “sir” most days, and I don’t really mind being called “sir.” One thing is I’ve started doing is wearing ties at work, something I haven’t done since college.
One day, my partner, Laura, and I were at the pool with our boys, and she told me how the lifeguard there reminded her of me in college, when I was more androgynous, and that made me reflect on how far I’ve come in my own gender identity journey. How I’ve finally, in my mid-40s, found a way to represent authentically, in my way, and how empowering it has been to come back into integrity with myself.
One thing I did after watching Gentleman Jack was to go through my closet and get rid of clothes that didn’t fit anymore or that didn’t fit who I was today. I caught myself recently telling myself that I couldn’t wear a particular shirt, and instead of going to my default of toning down my masculinity, I thought, if Ann Lister can do it, so can I! So much of what I heard growing up was that I looked too much like a man, which led to a lot of self-censoring. Do you catch yourself more today, if you find yourself self-censoring? Definitely. It’s crazy to see how pervasive that self-talk and self-censoring has been in my life, and how conscious I have to be in catching myself and giving myself the option of showing up differently, in a way that’s more authentically me. Growing up, my mom was hard-core about wanting me to look more like a girl, and would often tell me to act like a young lady. If I had seen Gentleman Jack at a younger age, we would’ve butted heads even more than we did! For example, every Christmas, she would buy me a very feminine woman’s blouse that would never fit my shoulders. My shoulders were always hunched forward as I tried to wear the damn thing, even though inside, I was like, it’s too tight, Mom! It doesn’t fit…I don’t even like this fucking thing!
One thing on parenting: Laura and I have two teenage boys, and I’ve noticed that we interact differently, post-Gentleman Jack, post-surgery. I’m not entirely sure why…I wonder if it’s a change in how I’m showing up today, more comfortable in my skin. Feeling self-acceptance over self-hate. I’m definitely more physical with the boys, messing around with each other. And: I’ve been killing it with the dad jokes lately (this is the extra-dry sense of humor I mentioned earlier…I laughed hysterically at this)! I almost want to ask them, hey boys, notice anything different? To which they’d probably reply, No. And that’s OK: maybe they don’t notice anything today, but will be an interesting discussion for us in the future.
In additional to all of that, you also underwent a double-mastectomy last year. I know that’s been a journey of change and a relief, of sorts, for you in many ways. Talk to me a little about what that experience has been like for you. It’s interesting…after the mastectomy and having “the ladies” officially gone, I found that I wasn’t that upset about losing my breasts. As I prepared for that surgery, I found a lot of information about reconstruction after surgery, but not a lot out there for surgery and no reconstruction, which was what I opted to do. The idea of having something foreign in me, like implants, freaked me the fuck out, so I knew right away that it wasn’t right for me. As a part of my prep, I made a list of all of the good things about not having breasts, the biggest one being a reduced risk of breast cancer, which was in my family medical history. At the time of the surgery, I had more cysts than breast tissue. I was always achy and uncomfortable, which didn’t contribute to feeling good in my body or my mental/emotional state. Most of what I found was focused on loss, in both a physical and emotional sense. I was hard-pressed to find anything on post-mastectomy and no reconstruction, so I ended up going to transgender sites to see what I could find, which again, was very little.
Today, it’s a constant process of reorienting myself. I’m more conscious of this new place that I’m coming from today, while also being aware of what was there before. To pull away from that messaging, those conditioned responses, is tough. There are so many layers that cover up the hurt that is there, to protect our lived experiences. I have to remind myself that it’s a process, that takes the time it takes, removing, exploring, releasing each layer, one at a time.
I think that’s where we have to have the courage - and willingness - to ask ourselves, who are we, truly, in that deep place? To consider that what surrounds that place doesn’t necessarily need to be there anymore. And while we’re doing that deep soul excavation, we set that Self free for a bit, let it spread its arms wide, take in a breath or two of fresh air. To think about ways we live can in our integrity as it is today.
There’s always room to come back to yourself…with more love…that’s been a huge shift for me. The self-hate was from modeling/messaging I got earlier in life…I was too manly, too masculine. Fuck that. It’s tricky to recognize those messages sometimes. Setting boundaries in support of that change is hard work yet it right-sets things. It helps us to be more integrated rather than scattered. It feels good - feels right - to be more integrated as a human.
Thanks, Molstray. You got it, Suz. <3
Susie, it was an honor and a privilege to write your update; thank you for your candor, insights, and friendship of over two decades. I am deeply grateful for you. I humbly ask Susie’s forgiveness if I’ve misquoted/misstated anything from our conversation, and invite all of you to check out the following resources relating to topics we touched on in Susie’s update, to read/learn more:
Instagram:
Web:
breastcancer.org -“Going Flat: Choosing No Reconstruction”
Print:
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Warmly,
Kristina
Chief Change Maven, Changemakers Confidential