Change Maven Musings - What Would You Do, if No One Knew?
Changemakers Confidential: Real stories. Real people. Real Change.
A dear friend of mine sent me a link recently to a podcast episode on cultivating a mindset that can lead to success. I took many things away from that episode (like figuring out when I can do a 12-hr. solo walk in the near future!), but the following question knocked firmly at the door of my need to be seen and heard by others outside of myself:
If you could tell no one about it, would you still do it?
That question has given me much pause over the past few days. I realize how much I do for the notice and/or approval of someone else, so I can consider myself OK, accepted, or making progress in some way. This question gets at the heart of why we create, why we must create, and how so many of us have forgotten that love and joy of creation in the desire to influence, get ahead, take the perfect picture to post on social, or create a recurring passive revenue stream for ourselves.
If you could tell no one about it, would you still do it?
I’ve spent a lot of time over the past two years doing things that no one knew about because I was in survival mode. I simply had no time or energy to think, let alone have any kind of meaningful reflection, beyond what was happening right in front of me. Everything became a dull, soul-numbing ache, and I’m only now starting to unpack what that experience has been for me, in the desire to move from survival to a state of revival. Remembering right now brings deep sadness, fatigue, shortness of breath, anxiety, anger, and an intermittent - yet strong - desire to say fuck this shit, it’s not worth it anymore. I’m also remembering that I want a life of deep meaning, feeling, and being again, and that the path to getting there is to take teeny, tiny steps forward as I’m able to do so, even if I have to repeat a few here and there.
Today, my heart leaps at the prospect of getting together in-person with my loved ones (or folks I simply find interesting!), to offer my home as a gathering place, to think about what I’m going to wear outside of rib tanks and joggers. I thrill to look someone in the eyes, beyond a furtive, weird glance over a mask, and be fully present and with them, rather than afraid that our encounter is going to get one of us sick or draw us into a protracted discussion about what’s right and wrong about the environment around us.
During the pandemic, every major domain of my life got touched by a spotlight of some kind, and it’s been hard to acknowledge all that’s shown up in that unforgiving, yet honest, light. Toxic relationships and patterns of being, lack of honesty when needed, so much fear, change, depletion of the soul, a shifting health terrain, more change…I’ve had to get present and honest with myself in totally different ways, and I’m still figuring out what the true way is for me today. I often don’t know. I hate not knowing.
What I feel is a mighty vibration moving through my life; so many tethers that I need to cut so I can release the hot air balloon of my being and rise into the possibility that lies before me. But the pull, the strain, is so tight right now, that even though a simple slash downward would cut the cord, it feels out of reach and impossible to do.
For now, what I would do - will do - in my life, if I could tell no one about it, is extend grace and space to myself and others. To acknowledge and not hide from my big, bad, uglies and do the things that are scary. Not overthink it so much. I can always change, right? To remind myself to breathe three, five, ten times before I say that word or take that action so I am coming from a place of grounding. To say “no” everyday to something that is not serving me, and to not feel guilty. To choose love and to fully express that love with a look, a word, an embrace, without holding back. To enjoy people and their quirks, listen deeply to their words, to hold space where I can.
That’s where I would start.