Changemakers Confidential: Mary

Real stories. Real people. Real change.

Welcome to Changemakers Confidential, where we share real stories from real people on real change.

This week’s update focuses on Mary, a wonderfully positive, kind, and insightful human that I had the pleasure of crossing paths with, thanks to the recommendation of my manager at work (full disclosure: it’s her mom!). Mary and I talked about the importance of staying positive and focused on what you can do when tough changes come to your door, and how building a new community from scratch can encourage us, in Mary’s words, “to go out of my comfort zone in so many new ways. I’d never seen myself like that before!” That courageous step forward into the unknown can be nothing short of magical, as we’ll read about in Mary’s update.

I’m 81 years old, so I’ve faced a lot of changes in my life! Change starts early on, and how you adapt to it is up to you. A big change in my life was when my parents, and, over the years, five of my siblings, passed away (I come from a family of 11 kids). I still miss them all so much. Even when you’re at the age when you know this is what happens in life, that doesn’t take away what you feel when they’re actually gone. I grew up in a large, close-knit family where we did a lot together. In fact, just yesterday, I was on my family farm, reflecting on all we used to do when we were growing up. My remaining siblings and I still have a lot of fun together…and it’s changed with the passing of my parents and other siblings. I reflect often on the lives my siblings led: they were positive, energetic, and accomplished a lot (one of my brothers was a county attorney). I draw a lot of strength today from all of the things we did together. Once a year, we have a big picnic at our farm. Some years, we have 75-100 people there! As we gather, we share stories of what it was like growing up on the farm, we laugh, we reflect on the lessons we’ve learned. I get a lot of strength from those get-togethers.

I also think that being adaptable is important for change. The decision of how you’re going to respond is up to you, to ask yourself, what are you going to do? When I asked myself what I was going to do with the grief that accompanied the passing of my parents and my siblings, I decided that the best way to honor them was to live my life full, because that’s what they would have wanted for me. To take their lessons forward in some way. Did the definition of living a full life change for you, once your loved ones passed away? Well, you have to choose to dwell on the good things, to keep moving forward. I feel blessed that I had them in my life; I still smile at the memories and experiences we shared together. You never forget; you move on, as best as you can. 

Another big change for me was in selling our home in the Twin Cities, where we had lived for decades and raised our five children (hi, Sarah!), and moving to the small town of Spicer (in central MN) for our retirement. That was hard: I left my position in nursing, and we said good-bye to our long-term friends with whom we had raised our families. By contrast, I didn’t know anybody in Spicer! I remember getting a call soon after we’d moved there that we’d gotten a new grandson, and I was like, who can I tell? I wanted to go out on the front porch and proclaim it to the world around me! I made a choice soon after that if I’m going to live here, I need to get involved. 

So, I went to some city council meetings, and started bringing up things that were on my mind with other concerned citizens. Eventually, I became a part of the Spicer Beautification Committee and it opened up a whole new world for me. I met so many people, folks who wanted to be involved, who wanted change in our little community. The Beautification Committee has been going since 2005, sponsoring public art projects for all to enjoy and participate in. Through all of the work we’ve done as a committee, and the conversations that we’ve been a part of, I’ve met great people, I’ve made friends…it’s reminded me that change is what you choose. 

We heard from others that when you retire somewhere new, it’s hard to meet people. And it’s true: you’ve got to put yourself out there. When you don’t have kids in your house anymore, it’s harder to meet people, but it doesn’t mean you don’t still make the effort. And when you have to reach out, you learn things about yourself. Having an empty nest is a huge transition! When you make that change, you feel kindof alone at first. With five children coming and going, there were always people around, somewhere to go, an event to attend. Very different to not have that and to move to a new community, to boot!  

What did you learn about yourself as you put yourself “out there” in your new community in Spicer? I think of one community project in particular, our community playground build. It was all built by volunteers. I have to say, coordinating volunteers was the hardest part! But…I was so passionate, I found myself going out of my comfort zone in so many new ways. I’d never seen myself like that before! It was a good reminder that your life isn’t over when you retire! It’s important to keep reaching out. 

How do you deal with resistance to change? Well, people can say some negative things when you want to do something new in a community. It can be hard to be open to change, to understand other cultures. I think it’s a blessing to be introduced to other cultures (there are significant Somali and Hispanic communities within the area that Mary lives). We always have a choice when change comes, and it’s hard to see how unwilling people can be to embrace change at times. But that’s where they’re at, and we have to respect that. I do my best to understand where they’re coming from, to put myself in their shoes a bit because if things have been a certain way for so long, it can be hard to change. But we are constantly changing! The world moves around us, whether we want it to or not. And thank goodness! 

What are some of the lessons you’ve learned from change? My husband was in the service in the 60s and we were living in Tennessee at the time. When we moved there in 1963, I’d already traveled in Europe for two years before that, so I’d seen a bit of the world at that point. For me, moving to the South, at that time, felt like I was living in a different country. For example, my job back then was working as a private nurse for a wealthy family. I’d do my work, and then take my lunch outside with the other people who were working for the family. Eventually, I was told that I shouldn’t sit outside, and I was like, why? I’m working for the family just like everyone else! But this was at a time when there were still signs up, and I realized just how different my framework had been, how different my experiences had been. It really showed me how important it is to see what else is out there in the world, to experience someone else’s reality.

I also remember when I worked at a nursing home in Woodbury, MN…you see people who have lived a full life and who have so much history. I was blessed that I had a chance to hear their stories. I would always remind the staff, be sure you listen to their stories…they’re not just an old person, listen to them, encourage their families to hang pictures on the walls. People go through so many stages in life, and especially when they get some difficult health news, we need to be supportive. 

Were you ready to retire? How was the timing of all of that for you? Well, retirement came quickly for me. Years ago, my husband had a stroke; he collapsed at work. It took him almost a year to recover. I told myself throughout his recovery to keep positive, keep looking forward. Today, he lives a full life, and I am grateful for that. I think those experiences make you reflect on what’s important to you, re-evaluate a bit. So when the opportunity to buy our place in Spicer came up, we decided to move quickly. I remember thinking, I’m going to throw myself into this change. As a part of the move, I left nursing, but I did go back to being a Hospice volunteer for a bit. That helped with the transition for me, to go from nursing to retirement. 

Dick (her husband) was happy to move to Spicer. He loves to golf and fish; he was also a big part of the playground build I talked about earlier. Another good thing about the move was that our elderly parents (my mother and Dick’s father) were only about fifty miles away, so we could see them regularly. It was very rewarding to be with them at their end-of-life; we were both so glad that we were close enough to be able to do that. Both of them passed away in their homes, and we - our siblings and us - were a big part of helping make that happen for them. Dick’s father passed away on the farm that he’d lived on for decades and dearly loved. With my mom, my siblings and I worked out who would be there, and when, so we could support her end-of-life. Both of our parents were mentally sharp until the end, and we were grateful for that.

How can we stay present when change comes? Change happens no matter what; we’re stronger than we think! We can ask ourselves, where can I be of service, where can I be helpful? To have the community you want to have, you have to engage. You almost have to go and find it for yourself. Ask yourself, where do I start? What can I do? When you’re new to something, you don’t know the culture, who is there…it is an opportunity to learn something new. I may not always know what to do or be comfortable, but I’m willing to try. 

Mary’s update reminds me of one my favorite quotes from another Mary, Mary Oliver, on the importance of living these lives we have as fully as possible, no matter what changes may come to our door. I leave you with that today:

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ~Mary Oliver

So much gratitude to Mary for sharing her positive outlook and thoughtful reflections on change, and for reminding us that change is what we choose, and it’s on us to ask ourselves in those moments, what can I do? To choose to remain positive and forward-looking, in spite of the challenges - and gifts! - that change may bring. I humbly ask Mary’s forgiveness if I’ve misquoted/misstated anything from our conversation, and invite all of you to check out the Spicer Beautification Committee in Spicer, MN and to offer up your support in whatever way you see fit.

If you loved reading Mary’s story and would like to hear more real stories from real people on real change, please subscribe to Changemakers Confidential, and share it with other changemakers you know. Thanks for reading - see you next week! 

Warmly,

Kristina

Chief Change Maven, Changemakers Confidential