Changemakers Confidential: Kendra
Real stories. Real people. Real change.
Welcome to Changemakers Confidential, where we share real stories from real people on real change.
If there were one word I’d use to describe this week’s changemaker it would be positive.
Ever since I had the pleasure of meeting Kendra just over a year ago, her upbeat, can-do, don’t-sweat-the-small-stuff attitude has been a constant source of inspiration in a time where I’ve felt like sweating the small stuff was de rigeur. She is a living example among us of patience, persistence, and positivity in change, and I am pleased to share her change story on her advocacy work for the Marriage Equality Amendment, passed in 2015, when the U.S. Supreme Court struck down all state bans on same-sex marriage, making it legal in all fifty states.
Kendra talks about the importance of taking the time to get to know individual stories, the courage needed from within to have tough conversations in the spirit of curiosity and learning, and how once we’ve boldly spoken our truth, it’s really hard to go back.
Kendra, what change topic would you like to talk about today? Well, as I was thinking about what to talk about, my advocacy work for the Marriage Equality Amendment in the state of MN came to mind, so I thought I’d go there. It was one of those things I never thought would happen in my lifetime - the right to marry my partner - because the topic was so big, so gnarly, and so politicizing. The group I volunteered for, Minnesota United for all Families, helped me see how to take that topic down from the big, hairy, opinionated deal that it was and get to know the individual stories and experiences. So that’s what I did: found out about other people’s individual stories and experiences. By making marriage equality smaller and more interactive, it really opened up my eyes from a change perspective. I'd never believed before that I'd be able to get married in my lifetime. Once I started volunteering and saw the change in sentiment around that work start to happen, I got the value of how those one-on-one conversations could work towards something larger. It totally changed the way I view those big, tough conversations.
How did you become involved in the first place with the Marriage Equality Amendment?Before Minnesota United for All Families, I was involved with the Human Rights Campaign on both a local (in Minnesota) and national level through donating and volunteering. In support of their advocacy work around equal rights for the LGBTQIA+ community, they would position folks in local communities to support ongoing advocacy work. They were relying on us at the local level to pull it down and make it real, so in the midst of that work, I learned more about what was being done in support of marriage equality in Minnesota and beyond.
You and your partner, Jeanine, have been together since 1998. Back then, marriage wasn’t an option for the two of you. Did you ever talk about it or think of it as a “some day” thing or did it not really cross your mind? Honestly, we spent most of our emotional/mental capacity back then around how we wanted to show up in our community and be involved there. I remember the first house that we bought together: we’d just moved in, and one of our neighbors walked up and asked us if we were the new lesbian couple that had moved in. I was like, well, huh…what do I say? Yes, we are? Nice to meet you? At the time, I honestly didn't need marriage because I knew I was in a committed relationship, and that was good enough for me.
Eventually, there was more of an emotional shift, where I started thinking, yeah, I should be fighting for marriage equality rights. And not necessarily for me, but for future generations, for those who are younger than myself. Thinking about my nieces and nephew was motivating, too, because if that was ever something they or someone they knew/loved ever wanted, I wanted to be that person who had fought for those rights for them. It wasn’t fair that we didn’t have marriage equality, so I decided that I had to do something about it.
The role of advocacy and activism in that change for marriage equality was starting to gain momentum; how did that impact you? Two examples come to mind for me: one was around a former colleague who knew I was gay. Over the course of a conversation we had, they used the phrase, “hate the sin, love the sinner,” thinking nothing of it, like it was OK, which it wasn’t for me. It was hard because it was someone I’d really trusted, so I took that as an opportunity to open up the conversation about how offensive to me that was, and how we’d have to agree to disagree on that one. They honestly thought it was something that I would see as being supportive, but that just wasn’t the case.
Another former colleague of mine told me straight up that they didn’t support marriage equality or LGBTQIA+ rights of any kind. That was hard to hear. What was interesting was that they'd been fighting for prisoners' rights for a time, so I saw that as a way to possibly connect and learn more about each other and the things we believed in/were passionate about. I asked them if we could meet up once/week and talk. I started out by having them tell me more about the prisoners’ rights advocacy work they were involved in, which led to us eventually talking about LGBTQIA+ rights. The more we talked, the more connections started to happen. I talked about Jeanine, so now real people and real lives were a part of the conversation, which really weren’t that much different from their daily life. I doubt that they voted in support of marriage equality, but I appreciated the opportunity to learn how to agree to disagree, and to create space to hear the other person’s story.
What were some of the questions you asked in your activism work that were helpful in connecting with others, building bridges? Well, the simple act of asking people permission to engage in a conversation seemed to work well; I was surprised by how many folks were open to dialoguing. A reminder on how important communication is, and how you have to keep coming back to the conversation. I heard somewhere once that for every thought you try to get out using words, about 10-20% actually lands with the other person. So, good communication takes time and patience! And then I’d think, wait…I’m only hearing 10-20% of the other person is saying to me! Another reminder of patience, to be persistent, to keep after it. Curiosity, connection, and understanding are key.
Your examples really underscore the importance of stories and how they can create connection. When we run into strong - or opposing - opinions around those stories, how do we stay curious? People can be hesitant or outright hostile when we attempt to question those stories sometimes…how did you stay grounded in those types of conversations? The training we received as volunteers for Minnesota United for All Families emphasized that we were only going to win this fight one person at a time. At the time, I was also the lead of the Pride Group ERG (employee resource group) at work; this idea of individual stories was definitely a switch from how I'd been leading, which was more of a group mentality approach to the work. It's really gotta be a two-way deal at the individual level, so both folks can retain their beliefs and still have the conversation.
Kendra, much of what you’re sharing here happened in Minnesota, which historically has a culture and reputation of avoiding conflict and/or tough conversations. How did you deal with that in your advocacy/activism work, if/when it cropped up? It took bravery and belief in what I was doing; I often thought to myself, why not? I've got nothing to lose. It’s also important to accept what's in your control and what isn't. There’s also an element of vulnerability, too, and being open to seeing where the conversation goes.
Advocacy work takes time, energy and effort. Talk to me about the role of self-care for yourself. What did you do? I feel like I’m pretty good about that…I take walks, I get regular massages if I'm feeling tense, I also am a fan of meditation and doing body scans to check in and just be for a few moments. In the COVID years, I started using the Calm app which has been so important for my mental health!
When it became clear to you that the Marriage Equality Amendment could actually pass, what was the shift you felt? What carried you to the finish line? This is one of the high points of my whole entire life: I was in DC when it was announced that the amendment had passed. I think I got a text from someone I knew…as it started to dawn on me that marriage was now a protected right for all couples, there was a part of me that just couldn't believe it had happened. The craziness inside me, the emotional response…it was overwhelming. I went to the HRC headquarters so I could march with that group to the White House as they were doing the recognition and celebration of the amendment being passed into law. I tell ya, I've had many ecstatic days in my life, and part of it is I'm blessed with that type of personality, it's how I wake up most days. But the high on that particular day, to see something so monumental, a huge change and shift in how we as a country viewed marriage…to know I'd had a hand in that somehow, and that at one point I wasn't entirely sure it would actually happen…the feeling was - still is - indescribable.
What did you learn about yourself through that experience? What are you taking forward? The importance of speaking my own truth. I’m definitely more brave, more confident, I've got less to lose. I'm a lot more OK having a dissenting/different opinion than the folks around me. I see today how if I don't say anything, there's not a chance, or there's less of a chance, of anything happening. Speaking truth is an important opportunity in change. As I hear people tell their stories, stories of social justice work, of advocacy, I have more faith in change today because I see a light. I have more hope when I hear people's stories. To ask questions like, why do you think that way? Help me understand, I want to understand. Give me an example of interacting with someone who doesn't look/act/live like you so we can share stories and learn from each other. These are all a part of conversations I’ve had over the years, and the learning and growth have been awesome.
A huge “thank you!” to Kendra for sharing her story of advocacy, courage, and the importance of a conversation in times of change…I’m honored to know her, am inspired by her story, and appreciate how she’s got me thinking about what the next steps of my own activism journey could be. Any errors of omission or misrepresentation are mine alone, and I take full responsibility for them and humbly ask her forgiveness in exchange.
If you loved reading this update and would like to hear more real stories from real people on real change, please subscribe to Changemakers Confidential, and share it with other changemakers you know. Thanks for reading, all - see you next week!
Warmly,
Kristina
Chief Change Maven, Changemakers Confidential