Changemakers Confidential: Angela
Real stories. Real people. Real change.
Welcome to Changemakers Confidential, where we share real stories from real people on real change. This week’s update comes from Angela Devlen, a “multi-passionate entrepreneur,” who recently launched The Founders Circle (in partnership with my good friend, Mari), an online community for mid-life women entrepreneurs looking to achieve business goals while living a life they love. I felt like I was sitting down to chat with a good girlfriend (a shared glass of wine is definitely in our future!), as we talked about the blessings within unexpected life events, the importance of community, and how ritual plays a critical role in how we show up for ourselves, both in times of change and in daily life.
I start off with a quote that comes from a colleague of Angela’s that we reflected on and laughed about throughout our exchange because of its simplicity and truth on change:
Change is good. Change is hard. Nobody likes change.
There is definitely a continuous theme of change throughout my life. Three life events come to mind for me when I think about change: launching Founders Circle, my divorce three years ago, and becoming an empty nester. The future I’d imagined for myself, the picture of what it looked like in my mind’s eye, is completely different today than what I’d thought it would be. I knew that I was going to be an empty nester (kids do eventually grow up!), but I didn't know I was going to be doing it alone. These changes brought reflection and deep healing, for myself, for my daughter and for our relationship, and while that work was necessary for many reasons, it was also messy.
How did a sense of place play into your change journey? Moving and having so much change worked for me; I’ve never really had much of a place to call home, anyway. I was born in Canada, and have lived everywhere! My lifestyle has always been fairly nomadic. Does it feel like you’ve landed in Tampa (Tampa Bay, Florida, her current home)? It does. I knew there was something about this place, but I didn’t know why exactly this place. What became clear to me, and something that I’d never realized before, was how I needed a stronger connection with women. I came to realize how having that sense of community was essential to my well-being. It hadn’t really registered with me before then, given how busy and, frankly, burned out I was, what the importance of that was for me. I knew that I needed to go somewhere where I could have that connection, that sense of community.
How did you come to realize that need for female community? A lot of journaling, a lot of introspection, a lot of therapy…the first hint I got that it mattered to me was from a business trip I went on before my husband and I separated. The time was spent with amazing people (lots of women!), and I came back feeling deeply nourished on many levels. I said to myself, I have to do more of this! It did much for my soul, and I came away feeling so connected and supported. It reminded me of a Brene Brown quote, “Connection is why we’re here.”
How are you bringing that learning forward into your life? First off, we have to be conscious of the patterns that exist in our relationships. If we’re not conscious of them, we’re going to repeat them. When we have a big change moment, it’s an opportunity for us to get curious and ask ourselves what works, and what doesn’t. This reflection often leads us to see what’s been modeled to us in our lived experiences, and to notice what we brought forward, consciously or not. It’s not a comfortable process, but that’s not the point. The intent is to extend grace to ourselves as we do this deep healing work, seeking to understand ourselves and the world around us, and figure out the steps we can take forward in the name of growth and progress.
I’ve also gotten more intentional about how I’ve integrated rituals of self-care into my life. For years, my whole identity was tied up in serving others. It can be easy to become resentful and bitter when that happens, because you haven’t made filling your own tank a priority. What are some examples of self-care that have you put in place? My day starts with a ritual around my coffee. I put on some music, make a cup of coffee, and tidy up the kitchen from the night before, if needed. Then, I move to my living room, where I light a candle, pick up my journal, and dedicate time to easing into my day. I’m a planner, so I need to know how my day is going to be organized! This time helps me to see where structure and flexibility are needed throughout my day.
As you built that self-connect time into your daily rhythms, what did you start to notice? A big realization was around my boundaries, and seeing how porous they were. As I started to put boundaries in place, I saw who supported and honored them and who didn’t. It reminded me of a quote I came across once: The only people who are bothered by you setting boundaries are those who benefited from you having none. Who would you consider to be a part of your inner circle? What do those people look like? How do they show up for you? They are the ones who help us stand up and take in air, when everything around us is falling apart. We can love people, and they can certainly make us feel like they should be in our inner circle, but that’s not always the true or right way. They may bring the wrong kind of energy to our lives, a level of toxicity, or a one-way exchange of energy that is to their benefit. As we start to realize what that looks like and how it impacts us, we also see how our inner circle has to change. That is a really hard thing to do because there is often push-back or friction because we’re asking people to show up differently, in ways that they may not want to or simply can’t. We have to be strong, and tell ourselves that we are going the right way, that there is going to be friction, and that’s a good thing. Less is more. To unplug from that energy and have greater self-awareness is a huge step one.
Getting back to rituals: what I do find fascinating about this type of self-exploration and discovery work is that there is actually very little education or understanding of the importance of these types of rituals. We almost have to have a specific “a-ha” moment or something drastic to occur before we take notice and see how having those rhythms in place can be to our benefit. For example: I noticed that my ex-husband never seemed to experience resentment about things, where I felt like I often felt resentful or bitter about how things would play out and/or my role in that. So I asked him, do you ever feel taken advantage of? He replied, No. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. As I took that in, I thought to myself, I didn’t know that was even a thing, or an option that was available to me! It opened up a whole new way of thinking for me. He saw “no” as a complete sentence, and didn’t feel guilt over saying no. I feel that I, like most women, don’t think that “no” is an option, not a real one, anyway. We feel like we have to say “yes” to so many things, and also feel guilty about saying “no.” This is why sharing these types of stories, perspectives creates options, even mentally, where we can say, oh…I can think about that, can consider that for myself. The work then is to trust that it truly is an option available to us, and then take a step forward on that path.
The idea of self-care isn’t just about filling our cup to serve others. It’s for us to know we are worthy of care for ourselves. If I can’t say to myself that I’m worthy of that act, if guilt has a role in that, then it takes away from the benefit to ourselves and the care we can offer to others. If we can shift our mindset that absolutely, you are entitled to this nourishing ritual for yourself, that’s where we feel the deep benefit of those acts and that time.
How do we preserve that sacred time? There is a lot that can work against it sometimes! I think it’s that felt sense that you kept that time a priority for yourself, and didn’t compromise for something that swept in, that makes it worth it. It was time for me, as me, not as a partner, mother, business owner. It’s a way for us to go deeper, to get beneath the surface of the daily interactions and pace. Accessing that can be tricky - we often don’t have a lot of access to those inner channels in our daily lives. Especially if we rely on the world around us to reflect our value. The shift I had to make was moving away from the idea of no, and responding instead with a “yes…and.” It totally changed the nature of the ad-hoc requests I’d get, which you often get from people who are pretty sure you’re going to say yes and ask nothing further from them. So now you’re in a situation where you feel guilty for saying “yes” AND “no!”
The “yes…and” response opens a conversation for what needs to happen beyond your “yes” in order for the request to be made (which often involves the requester). There’s also an aspect of appreciation involved. We must ask ourselves if we are, in fact, coming from a place of generosity and truly giving of ourselves without expectations of getting something in return. Or: is there an implicit expectation of reciprocity in response to our generosity? I think it’s good for us to ask ourselves where we can be generous and not expect something in return - where can we freely give, without feeling guilty.
What are some learnings that have emerged because of your rituals? A significant one was around how prioritizing self-care creates space to give and be generous without guilt. Ironically, my capacity to be generous grew when I took the pressure off of “doing” my self-care for others. Isn’t it interesting how doing the opposite of what you think you should do can give you the benefit/ space/clarity that you are longing for? It’s also so important to be open to not knowing…and to be fearless anyway. As we think about guilt, for example, it’s not the guilt that’s holding us back…it’s what put the guilt there in the first place that’s the thing.
How do we equip ourselves to respond differently, to make different choices? We need to hone in on the information that our responses, our emotions are trying to share with us. To get curious about, what is the information? For example, we may be fatigued and need rest, or we see that our boundaries are being disregarded or violated. When it comes to rest, we often feel like it can only happen in so far as it supports us in our quest to support others. But rest is productive in and of itself. It took my whole life for me to give myself permission to take a nap without feeling guilty about it. There were always a thousand things to do; I was in a constant state of vigilance because of the “things.” The internal discernment piece is important - what do I need to keep a priority? What doesn’t need to be? What can I let go of? It’s so hard to let go because we’ve conditioned ourselves to make everything a priority. That time spent in ritual, inquiry, and reflection helps us to see where the true focus needs to be.
How has resilience shown up for you in times of change? I have a lot of thoughts on that! My definition of resiliency is the ability to survive and thrive in the face of change. The work I’ve done over the past thirty years in disaster relief, and in spending time with communities that have been impacted by disaster has shown me many examples of resiliency in action. I think of the earthquake in Haiti, and how the women there were experiencing loss, terror, and assault, and were still able to show up and lead advocacy work for the women in the tent cities. Those women were being sexually assaulted in the latrines at night. Part of our work (Angela is also the founder/CEO of Wakefield Brunswick, Inc., an organization dedicated to providing resources and information on healthcare risk and resiliency) was to distribute booklets about their human rights, to start that conversation with them. There was this one woman, who was teaching them how to talk about human rights violations, through music. This woman had lost her own daughter and granddaughter in the earthquake, and yet she still showed up and coordinated this work for her community. I asked her at one point, how do you do this? How can you show up for this work, in the wake of so much personal tragedy? She replied, I can no longer be a mother to my own daughter and grandmother to my granddaughter…so my purpose now is to be a mother and grandmother to the women and girls of Haiti.
This story brings up a pillar of resiliency: purpose. We don’t honor this woman and others like her by examining our lives in terms of how we stack up. We don’t honor her by diminishing our pain or our lived experience. We shouldn’t feel guilty about not “measuring up.” We can honor her by sharing her story as an example of what living purpose looks like. We can be inspired to think about purpose, to get clearer on our purpose. To cultivate the ability to overcome obstacles in service of that purpose, learning, growing, stretching beyond our comfort zone the whole time. And remember: not all change is catastrophic.
Change is good. Change is hard. Nobody likes change.
Change arrives in all kinds of ways. Purpose can evolve. Purpose is not a point in time, it’s the entire arc of your life. When we share these stories of change, of resiliency, it’s an opportunity to check in and see if we’re still calibrated to purpose. If we find that we’ve drifted away or have become uncertain (or have changed!), how do we take steps back towards purpose? If needed, we can learn a whole new purpose, even in the face of circumstances beyond our control. It’s fully within our sphere of control to reimagine/redesign our life. We forget that sometimes. We think that in order to make those changes, we have to know all of the variables beforehand. This is another place where the unknown can help us, keep us open.
There’s a huge mindset shift that needs to happen in our culture if we are to receive the gifts change has to offer us. We must actively cultivate an awareness that change is often out of our control, yet ever-present, and offers opportunities to us, if we can choose to see it as such. Paying attention to the responses we have to change and acknowledging the emotions we feel when they rise up gives us information to answer questions like, what am I thinking/feeling, in response to this change? Is there something getting in the way of me feeling that? What is it? If we find ourselves masking our responses to change, we must challenge ourselves to ask what our true responses are, as hard as it may be. The truth in these moments often creates discomfort because we’re worried about what others will think, how swiftly and harshly they may judge us. That is our moment to release the need for external validation, to give ourselves some grace, and to ride the wave of change to the unknown, yet strangely beautiful and somehow familiar, distant shore ahead of us.
Change is good. Change is hard. Nobody likes change.
So much gratitude to Angela for sharing her thoughtful and reflective change story, and for giving us glimpses of the learning and growth that is possible on the “multi-passionate entrepreneurial” path. I humbly ask her forgiveness if I’ve misquoted/misstated anything from our conversation, and invite all of you to check out Founders Circle, particularly if you are a mid-career woman looking for a online community of support on your own entrepreneurial journey. Follow Founder’s Circle, Angela, and her co-founder, Mari, on Instagram to learn more about this important community of women.
If you loved reading Angela’s story and would like to hear more real stories from real people on real change, please subscribe to Changemakers Confidential, and share it with other changemakers you know. Thanks for reading - see you next week!
Warmly,
Kristina
Chief Change Maven, Changemakers Confidential