“It takes an act of will to live in the world…By living in the world, I mean really trying to see it, look at it, trying to make connections. And that’s not easy. It takes work. You have to keep stripping yourself down, examining everything you see, getting rid of whatever is blinding you…throw yourself into the convulsion of the world.”
~Joan Didion (Taken from Evelyn McDonnell's book, The World According to Joan Didion)
Living fully in the world, where we really challenge ourselves to see things, is a conscious choice and commitment. To show up present, aware, and clear-sighted to the people and situations around us is not easy. It often often requires tough decisions and setting unpopular boundaries (but you’ve changed so much!) to keep our lens clear of grit and able to stay focused on what we say is important to us. I spent this past weekend with my ride-or-die’s, and one of our topics of conversation was the importance of paying attention as we raise our middle-schoolers and teenagers. Paying attention so we see things, hear things, and can initiate a conversation with some context and awareness, or be ready to listen to the scraps of life details they decide to share with us, or to just simply be there, whether it’s driving them to-and-from school, volleyball practice, drum lessons, or a friend’s house, reassuring each other that we’re still in each other’s orbs.
If we are not courageous enough to see what’s in front of us, examine it, ask it questions, make and change previously-made connections, if need be, we can’t really do anything other than attend endless, circular meetings, react in the moment rather than respond for the longer-term, and keep accumulating layers that become heavy, obscuring our vision and ability to lead and connect in the ways we so desperately need to today. There are only so many layers we can have on our person before they start to work against us, weigh us down, make us forget our humanity in favor of submitting to the constant grind on bended knee, letting the exhaustion take over, and a growing sense of unease that this isn’t what we signed up for and we don’t know where to find the exit.
I am experiencing the very real phenomenon of change fatigue in my life right now. I see how that fatigue, that deep exhaustion has pervaded every aspect of my being. I am one of the most determined and positive people I know, and even those traits aren’t always enough to meet the challenges of the profound changes I’ve had in every domain of my life this year. I’ve had to strip down way more than I would ever be comfortable with because these changes required it. I am seeing my deep-seated fears of being alone, being left behind, and unworthiness, like really seeing them in the waves of sadness, loneliness, and anger that wash over me on a regular basis right now, and trying to challenge myself to ask, I see you, Kristina…and: what can I learn from this? It’s so hard because at times, all I want to do is lash out, blame, and say no out of spite, yet my deeper self is calling me to cultivate magnanimity no matter what comes at me, to understand where my responses are coming from, to take hundreds, if not thousands, of deep breaths, every day. It’s so hard. I am learning how be in the convulsion of the world, and even though most of what I thought to be true and enduring just fucking wasn’t, I’ve also had some of the most sublime moments of my life, where the beauty and honor of being human and the humans around me has touched me deeply and changed me profoundly.
Questions for reflection:
What commitments do you make to yourself so you can “live in the world?” How do you keep these commitments?
What is something you paid attention to this past week that brought new insight/perspective to your life?
What are some of the layers you carry in your life today? Do they serve you? If not, which ones would be good to remove and how do you think that would feel/impact your life? What’s one step you can take right now towards that?