Changemakers Confidential: Maven Musings
Real stories. Real people. Real change.
I am not the kind of tired that a nap will fix.
~Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, and host of the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things.
This statement explains, in succinct and soul-resonant perfection, how so many of us are feeling right now.
The past two and a half years have brought wave upon wave of turbulent, disruptive, and often incomprehensible change. No one has been untouched. And it doesn’t matter how desperately we want to believe our stories about how we’re “getting back to normal.” Relationships, jobs, living situations, and mindsets have all shifted to some degree, causing most of us to operate in a hyper-vigilant state of constant risk assessment and mitigation. We continuously scan the environment for threats so we can decide whether to fight, flight, or freeze. Our amygdala is in overdrive when we desperately need a prefrontal cortex intervention.
I can’t decide if what I’m feeling right now is a down-shift from this hyper-vigilant state or more of an emotional resignation. I feel the desire within me to stay vigilant, but more now because I want to intentionally bring choice, agency, and joy back into my life, rather than feel like constant reaction is still required. I also feel the pressure to resign myself over to forces larger than myself who want me to not ask so many questions, to just go along with it so we can all get back to “normal,” even though I know, deep in my Knowing, that reality doesn’t work and simply isn’t there anymore. We have a unique opportunity right now to be the creators of our own reality - we’ve always had that, actually - and this is where vigilance, and I would say its much maligned younger sibling, discipline, come into play.
As Glennon’s quote indicates above, I am also the kind of tired right now a nap won’t fix. I’m still waking up most nights between 2-5am, with my mind racing and my heart pounding in my chest. A blood pressure reading at the doctor’s office last week revealed the first uptick I’ve ever had, and I’m not buying the “I’m getting older” excuse. I’m disturbed and dismayed at the lack of deep and restful sleep, something I need to not just function at a basic level, but to thrive in the type of life I want to live. There is so much on the to-do list, so many considerations around those to-do’s. Most days are me doing my best to take deep breaths, to stay present and grounded, so I don’t all of a sudden lose my shit, unsheathe my metaphorical machete, and starting slashing through all of the layers of bullshit I’ve allowed to accumulate in my life. And yet, maybe that’s more a required act than I realize, than I’m comfortable with, frankly, for it means more honesty, more reality, and more change.
I do have moments of release from that vigilance that I’ve come to deeply appreciate and am now more intentionally carving out time for. Yoga classes, walks in nature, snuggles with my kids at night, connecting with old friends, taking that moment to reach out and check in with people when they pop into my mind. I’m finally getting around to follow-up doctor visits, going to the dentist, setting up therapy appointments, and getting my hair did because I know the lapse in taking care of those things contributes to the tightness I feel in my chest. Every time I make a choice for those types of things, I feel a loosening of the knot, so I know I’m on the right track. Keep going, Kristina. Vigilance.
I desire a release from the wrong type of vigilance. A release from the vigilance of perceived threat so I can be vigilant in the pursuit of personal refinement and excellence. Not everything about life can be a threat because there is so much about life that inspires awe, joy, and deep, abiding love. I’ve come to see how true love knows no bounds and how hard I’ve tried to control it over the years, to keep it somewhere it needed to move on from so both I and the other party could be restored to freedom and agency. Love - life - needs freedom to grow, expand, and astound us in what it can do, and vigilance is key. How can I keep the haters, the willfully ignorant, the narrow-minded, and the toxic energy away so the pure nature of meaning, connection, and purpose can come through?
For me, that is a return to a daily yoga/meditation practice, time spent outside and away from the technical demands that surround us, to pause and look people in the eye and not have it feel weird, to listen rather than rush in with words that are not helpful nor may even be necessary. Silence and solidarity in soul are golden. To be human is a privilege, a wondrous delight, an opportunity to experience the world around us using a blend of our intellect, our senses, our emotions, and our deep inner Knowing. To use these things to not just scan for threats but to open ourselves up to opportunities for heights previously unimagined.
The spark that resides within deserves our care, our vigilance. The naps that we need are on the soul level, to take those mindful moments of pause - some of which may last longer than we are comfortable with - so we can downshift, come back to curiosity, and get connected to the Knowing of our unique path and purpose in this lifetime.
Change check-in: take a few minutes to consider the following questions.
Where have I been hyper-vigilant in my life? How/where does this state of being serve me? Think of 1-2 specific examples. How/where does it not? Think of 1-2 specific examples.
Where in my life could a more intentional role of vigilance benefit me? What are 1-2 steps I could take today to start building that vigilance?
Where do I feel tired right now? What is one thing I could do today as a “soul nap” for myself?
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Warmly,
Kristina
Chief Change Maven, Changemakers Confidential